Thursday, August 03, 2006

O Poor Sahib!

All over the internets, Sahib is worried. His humble bearer is acting strangely lately. There are unsettling reports from the hill stations of bearers who began by acting strangely and then - it cannot be spoken!

What he needs, reflects Sahib, is a firmer hand. A show of strength. Yes. He must - they all must - be brought to heel.

The lamp-wallah has arrived to light the lamps. His eyes betray nothing. That's the problem with these buggers, never know what they're thinking. Inscrutable as the Chinese, and even they are acting strangely lately.

And they all keep raising their prices. O the price of being Sahib, the price of Empire! O the weight of the Burden!

The lamp-wallah whispers to his assistant, what are they saying. He whispers in gibberish, of course, they are too simple, too lazy to learn and speak English. Except when the paypacket runs a bit short. Then they're linguists all of a sudden, and mathematicians.

All over the internets, the soft plop plop fizz fizz of Sahib's antacid tablets. Finally, they have arrived. They rang for the girl it seems hours ago, at last here she is, her face inscrutable, too.

Are they planning something? Or will they just sulk a while, like they usually do. That's what's more likely, not in them to, you know, start trouble.

They just need a firmer hand, that's what. A show of strength, a little reminder to keep them in their place.

All over the internets, Sahib sighs, leans back. He has solved his problem. Things will work out, just like they usually do.

The lamp-wallah nods to the girl, motions to his helper, and tiptoes out, as shadows hide his half-smile...

6 comments:

catnip said...

Sometimes, my decoder ring is on the fritz (whoever 'fritz' is).

However, I just watched an obscenely perverse smiling Condoleezza Rice spout off George's insanely big plans for the NEW & IMPROVED Middle East (which, of course, include the popular branding "enduring") and the outright tone of the almighty colonialist who will tame the savages of foreign lands until they mimic their masters was absolutely unmistakable.

They will be bludgeoned into complacency one way or the other to the cheers of the master's true believers.

Or so they think.

catnip said...

In the meantime, I fear that CNN's John Roberts is getting skin cancer. That's what happens when Canadian white boys forget to pack their sunscreen.

James said...

Try "New and Improved" Colonialism!

Now with extra ethnic cleansing action.

catnip said...

I just wrote about that at my place.

dove said...

Grin. Those poor American imperialist elites and their perennial difficulties with the colonities and the peripheral elites: it's just tragic. And after all they've done -- the sheer ingratitude. Look! Just look at the dazzling light-festooned car-besequinned highways -- so much more modern than those old railways the previous lot were hawking. And the security forces! Despite the calming effect of the antacid tablets (which tasted a little peculiar, perhaps they've gone off?) Sahib is tempted to throw his hands up in despair. Tragically trapped between the sullen resistance of the child-like colonised and the regrettable inability of the Empires's citizenry to grasp Realpolitik, to comprehend nuance: oh the Vogonity.

DuctapeFatwa said...

How the snowy shoulders ache! And the sad irony: It will be only when he lays the Burden down that he will see it dissolve into the air, the shame of its lack of substance, of existence dissolving back into the miasma of the poor fevered brain of Sahib Desolate...